Zoo Diaries: “Can I Eat It?” Episode One

The last Zoo Diary was such a hit, we decided that Rascal should get to contribute to the blog more often. After all, he is a resident of the Abbott house, and he suffers no shortage of an appetite for adventures…although sometimes his definition of the term can differ from ours pretty wildly. For instance, he’s quite a bit more daring than we are when it comes to what qualifies as food, as you’ll read below in the inaugural installment of “Can I Eat It?”

Professional face.

Professional face.

Item One: Shoes

The humans appear to require these items in order to leave the house. I am still uncertain as to what purpose they serve. I do know that they taste exquisite. However, it seems to upset the humans when I indulge, despite the fact that each of them has several shoes to spare. Verdict: Yes

Item Two: Books

These are often placed out of my reach, but on occasion, one of the cats proves useful and knocks a book onto the floor where I can examine it. The contents are a mystery – illegible, crude diagrams of impractical length. The material they are made of, on the other hand, is a clear, beauteous symphony of flavor, by turns delicate and understated, bold and piquant. Verdict: Yes

Item Three: Cat Poop

I scarcely feel the need to tout the virtues of this rare delicacy. It is nothing short of a miracle. Why else would the humans treat it with such reverence, collecting and harvesting it at every opportunity? How else to explain their anger and disgust when I successfully retrieve a morsel for myself? Verdict: A resounding yes. And what other food so reliably produces that other precious commodity known as…

Item Four: Vomit

Though my research on humans is my primary focus, I must admit to having spent more than a few hours attempting to discern what enables my body to produce this magical substance. I lack the eloquence to describe its majesty with any sort of justice. Verdict: Yes.

Item Five: Dog Food

Passé. Bland. Dull. Uninspired. Provincial. Boring.

…And yet, still worth eating. Verdict: Yes (unless one or more of items one through four are available)

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