Throw It Out Thursday #3: Now is the Winter of Our FUCK YOU WHY IS IT SO COLD

I’m a summer person who lives in Pennsylvania, so I spend a good portion of the year in a climate that I generally find pretty disagreeable. After over a quarter-century, I’ve more or less made my peace with this. And when it became apparent that Dana and I were hitching our wagon to Pittsburgh for at least the next few years, rather than moving somewhere warm like we would prefer (stupid careers), I thought I had resigned myself to a few more cold winters.

This bullshit, though? This is beyond the pale.

My buddy Zach lives in Williston, North Dakota, a frozen wasteland only slightly warmer than the vacuum of space. When he visited here in late October, we were experiencing lower than average temperatures for the early part of fall. He seemed rather amused by our complaints about the chill, repeatedly insisting that it was not cold. And relatively speaking, of course, he was right. But not all of us live on the ice planet Hoth like he does.


If not for the AT-ATs, I’d have a hard time distinguishing between this and my yard.

Well, we didn’t used to, at least.

In the last nine days, the high temperature here in Pittsburgh has been lower than Williston’s every day but one. That doesn’t include the cold snap we had a couple of weeks back, during which we enjoyed a day with 60 degree spread between the high and low. If tomorrow’s forecasts prove accurate, the high here will be 25 motherfucking degrees lower than in America’s answer to Siberia – and it won’t even be the first time it’s happened this month. And yes, weather forecasts beyond the next day or two are notoriously unreliable (TL;DR chaos theory and math is hard), but if there’s truth to be found in what meteorologists are predicting for the next week, by the end of January we’ll have suffered through 13 days that featured a low temp of 10 degrees or lower.

All of which is to say: This winter has sucked some serious ball sack.

I can barely handle a normal winter here, and I’m supposed to deal with Pittsburgh turning into Greenland?

When I’m living on a tropical island someday, I’ll look back at this time in my life and laugh. But until then…

Dear Winter,

Okay. You are cold. We fucking get it.

Not love,


Throw it out.


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